But I’m Not Trying To!

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Whenever my kids require discipline for something, their favorite excuse is “but I wasn’t trying to!” “Don’t be mean to your brother!” “I wasn’t trying to!” “You only half-cleaned the dishes; all these are still dirty.” “I wasn’t trying to!” Somehow, in their minds, lack of effort in one direction equals actual effort in the opposite direction.

Luke records a parable Jesus told about a man who had been possessed by a demon. The demon was cast out, but after wandering for a while decided to return. He found the space he had occupied within the man empty, bare. It was so wide open and inviting that the demon found seven other demons to join him in possessing the man once again, so that the man was much worse off than before.

My kids and the man in the story have the same approach to life. I’m sure if someone had said something to the man about letting demons invade his soul he would have said, “But I’m not trying to!” Sure, his mind wasn’t full of evil, but he had made no effort to fill it with anything once it had been cleaned.

How often do we behave this way about spiritual things? We feel satisfied with ourselves because we “aren’t trying to disobey;” maybe we even boast about it a little bit like the Pharisee praying in the public place. The truth is that “not trying to” requires no effort. It’s easy because it literally involves doing nothing. Unfortunately, nothing produces nothing, leaving a gaping space in our souls empty and unguarded.

My kids have to learn the hard way that “I wasn’t trying to” needs to become “I’m trying to do better.” As children they are focused on what feels good in the moment; they haven’t learned the consequences of nothing, and they haven’t experienced the fulfillment that comes from effort. Those experiences will come in time. For now they have someone to remind them, to guide them through the consequences, to show them how to be productive. As adults we have no excuse. No one else is responsible for our choices. No one else will do our work for us. No one is looking over our shoulder to make sure we take the next step. It’s up to us whether we are empty houses of “not trying to” or filled with the work of God.

Romans 2:4–8 (CSB): Or do you despise the riches of his kindness, restraint, and patience, not recognizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance? Because of your hardened and unrepentant heart you are storing up wrath for yourself in the day of wrath, when God’s righteous judgment is revealed. He will repay each one according to his works: eternal life to those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor, and immortality; but wrath and anger to those who are self-seeking and disobey the truth while obeying unrighteousness.

The Proposal

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“Who’s that trip-trapping over my bridge?”

“Connor!” Emily leaned over the rail, her voice hushed but quivering with laughter. “What do you think you’re doing? They’ll kick us out!”

“Not if the bridge troll eats them first!” Connor growled, then coughed as his vocal cords protested. He ducked out from under the boards and hopped up to sit on the warm stone beside the bridge.

Emily propped on the rail, elbows stiff, and tried to glare at him, but he leaned over and planted a kiss on her lips. She laughed softly and fisted the front of his shirt, shaking him slightly. “What if I was the big Billy goat gruff?”

“That would be disappointing,” he said, shifting his weight and grabbing her hand as if to keep himself from falling. “Because this wouldn’t fit a gruff old goat.” He held her hand tightly, running his thumb over her fingers with quieter expression, then with a sudden strangled throat clearing shoved the ring over her knuckle. “It looks pretty good on you, though.” He gave a nervous chuckle and glanced sideways with an almost pleading grin.

Her breath hissed inward and she stared at her hand for an eternal fifteen seconds. Then a blush suffused her cheeks and she touched the tiny sparkle resting on her finger with tender awe. Agreement came in a whisper as her forehead met his, but the quick rise and fall of his shoulders registered full comprehension.

“Come along, we’ll see the bridge later,” a passerby urged her child with a knowing smile. “Those two might be there for a little while. We’ll give them their privacy. “

The Darkest Valley

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When Moses was called to release God’s people from Egyptian servitude, he feared to obey, and the first results of his efforts seemed to justify his fear. Pharaoh was so incensed by the challenge to his perceived authority that he responded with harsh punishment. Beatings, killings, and impossible expectations made the Israelites utterly wretched. Moses, who himself remained untouched, was forced to watch these consequences of standing for God, feel the pain his people endured. In addition, he became a pariah to those God sent him to rescue; the familiarity of slave life, of being treated as inferior or as beasts of burden, was more palatable than the cost of freedom.

What would have happened if Moses had told God His freedom was too hard? Had returned to shepherding in the wilderness and left the Israelites to their familiar drudgery?

Because Moses faithfully walked through the shadow of suffering with his people, eventually even Pharaoh suffered enough from his behavior that he granted freedom, at least temporarily. Like all egomaniacs, however, as those who had been under his thumb stood on the brink of escape, he reached out to trap them again. Once again, Moses had to watch the darkness of evil falling around the people he loved, and endure their panicked blame. It seemed that every action taken in the direction God sent put them all in a deeper valley of hopelessness.

What would have happened if Moses had told the people to give themselves up? If he had decided the assignment was impossible and that life in slavery was better than promises that came with fear?

When Pharaoh’s army had been drowned and the Sea had been crossed, Moses faced the task of leading a nation through cultivated lands populated by military powers who would not share, through wild lands where no food could be found, and through deserts that parched throats without relief. Over and over he watched his charges face death on the path God had chosen for them, wept for their suffering, and endured accusations from people who found dehumanization and subjugation more palatable than scrabbling for their own necessities in freedom.

What would have happened if Moses had bowed in defeat in the desert? If he had decided the hunger and thirat and recriminations were too much to bear and left the Israelites to throw themselves on the mercy of their enemies?

“Even when I go through the darkest valley, I fear no danger, for you are with me;… you prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies…” Psalm 23:4,5

What would happen if, when threatened for following the path God set, we kept walking? What would happen if, when punished for speaking God’s challenge to evil, we kept talking? What would happen if, when hardship and death loomed because we stepped out in faith, we trusted Him to give us life? What would happen if, when in our darkest valleys, we chose to look at the Son?

A Chicken Story

Two weeks ago we embarked on a new adventure by adding six chicks to our flock of three. I grew up with chickens; I thought I was prepared. From day one these birds set out to prove me wrong.

To begin with, I didn’t realize how small four week old pullets were under all those brand new feathers. We left the house for two hours the first evening, and when we came back after dark all six had blissfully jumped through the dog wire of their run and bedded down two feet outside of the fence. I managed to pick them up three at a time and snuggle them in my shirt tail back into their appropriate sleeping area.

After adding chicken wire to the entire perimeter the next morning (while continually chasing escaped chicks), I heaved a sigh of relief. It was taken as a challenge by those overly curious toddler birds. I had built their run attached to the existing run for socialization, but separated by mesh that I could easily cut out later. By afternoon they had found a way through a gap in the mesh barrier and delightedly raided kitchen scraps under the indignant beaks of their elders. I managed to chase them back through their convenient hole and close it up before bedding them down for the night.

Problem not solved. Not a day went by for the next week that didn’t find me chasing houdini pullets and closing up microscopic escape routes. In the meantime, like all toddlers, they emptied their (supposedly chick-friendly) feeder all over the ground, turned over their water dispensers repeatedly when they weren’t kicking grass and bedding into them, and made a mess of their sleeping quarters.

It wasn’t all bad; the amount of time I spent corraling those birds meant they got used to me. By the end of a week they would call back to me when I talked to them, and when I let them out in the morning they would squabble and flutter so close to me that their wings hit me. When I brought food they would rush the gate so I had to be careful not to step on them. For a day or two they seemed to have settled in.

Then they discovered how to breach the blocked holes. Peck until the thing moves, then scratch it out of the way. Fly higher and find the hidden gap at the top. Dig a new hole! Me and those pullets spent a whole lot more quality time together. They started to argue with me and throw themselves at the door to their little coop when I didn’t open it fast enough to suit them. They started trying to eat my shoes and investigating my clothes.

We settled again for a day or two into a routine; all the escape routes seemed to be managed, and I started thinking about raking the big run in preparation for joining. I didn’t reckon on just how devious my little friends were, and I set myself up for what had to be the funniest chicken story ever.

I headed out to bed them down, but I knew as soon as I rounded the corner of the house something was amiss. I could hear them from much farther than usual, and couldn’t see them in their run. Yep, you guessed it. All six pullets were in the big run, merrily exploring in and out of the big coop. It might have been a boring story if they had stayed there.

They heard me coming. All six rushed to the gate, chirping madly in greeting. Their elders were already asleep, having the sense to know it was nearly dark, but not them! Did I mention the gate to the big run is dog wire? By the time I could get it open, those overly excited birds had pushed through and were running circles around the pen, cackling wildly. I called for reinforcements: extra hands and food.

The food was a dismal failure; they weren’t the least bit hungry. They were, however, delighted to stay up late and intended to keep that illicit privilege in spite of me. My eight year old son covered himself in glory by catching three by himself; my husband caught one. The others came to see what all the fuss was about and that was one battle won.

The next was to get them in the coop; they were gonna sleep with their elders because I wasn’t even trying to get them back through whatever new hole they discovered. I carried the food inside followed by chicks. By now they had already pecked up my shoes and tried to burrow under my shirt tail while I squatted trying to keep them contained as we caught them. They had finally realized it was bedtime, had decided I was mom, and as far as they were concerned I wasn’t leaving. Three surrounded my foot and snuggled up, one fluttered up the roost and perched on my wrist, and two curled up on my back as I bent over trying to reach things. They weren’t moving.

Once again my son came to the rescue. He closed the door so they couldn’t get spooked and escape, then moved them off me one at a time. While they were flapping around complaining about it, we ducked out and locked them in. By then it was completely dark and I wasn’t sure what gifts had been left on my shirt. In case the solar-powered but temperamental door decided to actually open at sunrise the way it’s supposed to, we hung a blanket over the gate until I can add chicken wire. What would you like to bet I find those chickens in the yard tomorrow morning anyway?

The Gorge

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The bridge had stood for a thousand years, Pere Aule taught in Remembrance. Shuri believed it, but cared little. The gorge, carved deeply into the mountain that towered over Vale, called to her with the voice of the Elementals.

Pera Leilin urged in Admonitions that the gorge was forbidden, that the wars that destroyed the Elementals had left it tainted and unsafe for mere Souls. Shuri chanted the Admonitions with due solemnity, but when she stood on the bridge and heard the song whispering in the wind the water, she did not believe it. Taint was not beautiful, she was sure.

The golden sky behind her lit the stone far into the gorge, setting a flame to the darkness, revealing a point of profound shade untouched by the brightest sunset. It frightened her, yet summoned her. Without thought she grasped the branch of the twisted and ancient trunk supporting the weight of the bridge and carefully followed it to the black sand below. In a moment she stood breathless before the chasm, a portal to what world she hardly dared guess. The earth trembled beneath her feet, the still river surged to meet her, and a sigh tickled the hair at her ear. She shivered and stepped forward, unaware of all but one astounding thought. The Elementals remained.

Reality Fiction

All my life, I was given the advice to write what I knew and only what I knew. For a long time I thought that meant I should only write about real life things that I had experienced personally, and disagreed with the sentiment strongly. Such an approach to creation stifles imagination, and doesn’t allow for the capacity of the human mind to learn from the experiences of others. Over the years, as I have matured and experienced more of life, I have come to understand that this interpretation could not be farther from the truth.

Have you ever watched a child play? Who do they become? What experiences do they act out? At my house we usually get a blend of superheroes, cartoon characters, and book people. These favorites fight a conglomeration of enemies, get married, hold jobs, have children, and travel. They squabble about things of childish importance with admirably melodramatic adult emotions. This is human creation, taking what we recognize and blending it all into an expression of who we are.

This is writing fiction. Even if a book is about impossible creatures or set in outer space or full of unhistorical characters, it is a reflection of reality. Every headline, every story, every image, every interaction, every moment that left an impression on the writer bleeds onto the page of a new story. Every character holds pieces of the writer and of everyone he or she recognizes in real life. Perhaps those influences are carefully and intentionally journaled. More likely they simply become so much of a part of the writer that he or she subconsciously transfers them to the page.

Write your mage who doesn’t know which side of a conflict to join. Write your space battles between aliens so entrenched in their own ideas they can’t understand each other. Write your sweet but strong-willed heroines, and your misunderstood villains. Write the argument you had with your friend into a flirtatious budding romance. Write your snuggles with your child into a hero who longs for family. Write what you know, and create what everyone can recognize: reality fiction, the human story.

The Locker

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Everyone knew Locker 410 was odd. Not even the maintenance man, who had been with the school since it’s founding, remembered it being assigned to anyone. He got a funny look whenever someone asked about it, mumbled about something needing to be cleaned, and shuffled away as fast as his aging feet would carry him.

For a long time most people just pretended not to notice. A weird sensation if a hand brushed the door, a cold chill in the spine of anyone standing near… those were easy enough to ignore. They might, after all, be figments of an overactive imagination. When all the lockers were repainted ten years ago, ignoring number 410 became a little more problematic.

In a wall of orange, 410 stuck out like a sore thumb in lemon yellow. According to rumors, the painters had tried. After one suffered a seizure, another watched every stroke disappear through the metal, and yet another reported there being no locker there when confronted about his failure, the company firmly refused to try again.

Still, an ugly yellow locker surrounded by spooky rumors did little more than provide seniors with fodder for hazing freshmen. Until last night, that is. An unidentified, dessicated body turning up directly in front of it while the opened lock smoked and hissed tended to be considered significant even by the most hardened skeptics. In the shock, no one thought to look for the mumbling, vague janitor.

Love

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Peter wrote to early Christians during a time of relentless persecution. Those who claimed the name of Christ were surrounded by neighbors and authority figures who wanted them dead, exterminated with no memory of their existence. The pressure had begun to wear on the faithful of God, inciting rage and resentment toward their enemies and causing tension even among themselves.

Rather than giving in to such feelings, Peter urged the beleaguered Christians to uphold a higher choice. By responding to attackers with anger, they merely fueled the hatred directed toward them, proving the accusations of their enemies. Instead they were to be respectful of their haters, remaining free of the trap in which their enemies had already fallen. They were simply to live their lives, keeping God in focus and demonstrating His love. If a slavemaster bullied them, they needed to be sure they had given no excuse by rebellion or poor work; the slavemaster was wrong, but they should not be. If a woman followed God but her husband did not, she was not to create a wall in their marriage over it. Instead she was to offer him all her love and trust, be a quiet irresistable strength for him. Men were not to be tyrants over their wives, even in spiritual matters, but were to be gentle and respectful of their partners in life.

If they were to hold such character toward their enemies, their relationship with each other as the followers of Christ was to be infinitely more precious and protected. They were to live in harmony with each other. Harmony in music is something that nearly everyone understands; it requires many different notes being played together in such a way that each is beautified and enriched by the others. These Christians were individuals with different cultural and religious backgrounds, different preferences and styles, different experiences, and often different understandings of spiritual matters. Instead of arguing about their differences, they were to use them to create a beautiful melody that could not be ignored even in the face of great terror. Their love and compassion for each other, and for their enemies, would provide the strength to stand for truth without rancor against an onslaught of suffering.

This approach is difficult for most. Human love is often limited by an instinct for self-preservation and exaltation. We want others to sacrifice for us, become what makes us comfortable, believe what we tell them without question, and so on, while the same asked of us is offensive. There is no room for understanding of or compassion for another’s struggle when that struggle makes us uncomfortable, yet the example of our Savior is weighted heavily in the opposite direction. To follow Him each one of us must be willing to wear another’s shoes. Respect between us as humans must be mutual, regardless of human differences. Sacrifice for other humans must be mutual between God’s faithful, and weighted against ourselves when dealing with lost souls.

The love of our Savior sacrificed everything to show hope to the hopeless, peace to the raging, love to the hateful. It did not seek to condemn souls, but to change them. It challenged them, pushed them, even rebuked them sharply when necessary, but most of all it called them by its very existence. It, He, understood the depth of human failure and used the deepest horror of it to display perfection. To display love. How can we do otherwise?

The Beach

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“Saul, wait!” Lily laughed breathlessly as her bare feet slung sand behind her. “I lost my sandals and the sand is on fire!”

“Not as hot as the boardwalk,” her brother yelped, dancing on his toes from sand to board and back again. “Hurry up, it’s too hot to be out of the water!”

“Well, you’re the one who just had to come all the way down here,” Lily grumbled. “We could have just swum in the pool, you know.”

“Yeah, but who wants to do that when the whole big ocean is waiting?” Saul reached the shade of the dock and jumped to swing from the beams. “Just look at it! Have you ever seen color like that?”

“Yeah, yesterday, when we came for swim.” Lily sniffed and attempted to imitate a flamingo while examining the soles of her feet. “Now that we’re here at the ‘whole big ocean’, are you getting in or not?”

“Come on, Lily, I thought girls were supposed to be romantic.” He dropped to the weathered boards and perched on the railing beside the steps she was about to descend. “It glows on its own, don’t you think? There’s magic in it! Maybe it’ll turn us into denizens of the deep, doomed to ride the waves for all eternity.” He struck a dramatic pose.

Lily rolled her eyes. “Waves aren’t in the deep, idiot.” She shoved him so that his balance on the railing failed and darted down the steps into the brilliant water. “Catch me if you can, you big sea monster!”

Fire

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He could see Liam on the opposite bank, pole in the water, as usual. His brother was never happier than when he was fishing or gardening or puttering with some household task. Like their father, he was, quiet and naturally content. If he had his way, he would never leave home; even trips to town for supplies were generally treated as an interruption and an annoyance.

Hollen sighed, restlessness tugging the corners of his mouth downward. He had convinced Liam their food budget could stand another few hunks of venison in the freezer, but the truth was he couldn’t stand spending the day at home. The wind bit with a playful vigor that called him to the mountain. He cast one last half-guilty glance over his shoulder at Liam, but his brother didn’t even seem to see him.

Shaking off the last pretence at restraint, he strode purposefully into the fire of the trees. Wind tore through the tops, ripping orange from the twigs like soaring flames. The mountain wavered, hazy, and Hollen broke into a run, arms flung wide. Leaves of fire swirled around him as endless blue sky blinded him. He soared above the mountain, and his roar lit the clouds like kindling.